It’s happening again, not sure if i can do it this time.

It is starting again.

I can feel all the insecurities the paranoia, the anxiety and it all flooding back.

Why, oh why did I go back to working in a call centre?

I had a really bad call today at work this guy called up complaining about his bill. I kept trying to explain to him why it was what it was but every time I tried to speak, he just shouted over me not giving me a chance.

Now as you can imagine this got me a bit riled up and I am not the best at hiding my frustration with certain things, cretins really, and this guy was most definitely one.

Anyway, after I finally got him away I then had to have a chat with my manager and quite frankly everything came flooding back to me.

The feelings I had before, the reasons why I said I would never go back to this kind of work

The anxiety, the dark spiralling abyss, the paranoia and now I am absolutely dreading going back in tomorrow.

On top of all that I got hit with the fact that they think I am coming over too negative when in discussions.

So fucking lah dee dah

So yeah, I am now feel like I’m on the edge of abyss looking into the darkness. I don’t know if I can do this again. I don’t know if I can survive this job.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.

I don’t want to go back.

I don’t want to be that guy again.

But I’ve got to have a job to take care of the family.

I just don’t know if I can do this again.

 

I’m just talking about Star Wars.

Hello there,

The correct response to this greeting is “Ah, General Kenobi”

So, as you can probably guess, I have been watching a lot of Star Wars recently. Not so much the films, but the shows. I have just finished The Mandalorian and I am currently making my way through The Clone Wars and it has massively rekindled my love of Star Wars.

Don’t get me wrong I have loved the films for as long as I can remember but over the last few years the experience has been ruined for me by the sheer level of toxicity from the “fans”. Its come to the point that I have been afraid to talk to anyone about Star Wars at all because all I was getting back was “Oh, Star Wars is shit” “Disney Ruined it” “The Last Jedi is the worst thing ever in the world and you’re fucking stupid for liking it”

When The Rise of Skywalker was coming out I said to some friends that I was really excited for it and all I got was shit on for being excited for it.

Now was it the perfect film? No. Did it have flaws? Yes. But did I enjoy it? Yes.

So, anyway, back to my initial point the shows have brought it back to relevance in my life.

I cannot wait for the wee one to get old enough to watch the film but it’s been really nice to get back to something I have loved my whole life without the cynicism, without the hate, without the toxicity.

I don’t really know what the point of this is but I want a proper Lightsaber.

Its making me happy to feel the love for it again.

Can we go back to a world where people are allowed to like things and others don’t feel the need to shit all over everyone else’s happiness? Is that too much to ask?

This has basically been me doing a Star Wars brain vomit so that’s been that.

 

Thanks for stopping by.

Hi.

Hello there, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here.

In fact, it has been over a year, I think, it’s been a bugger of a year, so I thought I’d drop in and say hi.

 

So, hi

 

I do not know if anyone on here remembers me now. I know it has been a while.

But, how are you?

What’s been happening?

I know the world is crazy at the moment and it’s hard to be positive about anything just now but hey we have got to try right?

 

There are a couple of people on here that are following me that I have lost contact with and id very much like to hear from again.

I miss hanging out with my friend and hope that everything is alright with you. I know the last time we spoke it was a bit abrupt, but I am still around.

Anyway.

Update on me.

I failed to become a Driving instructor; I didn’t pass the qualifying exam. That was a bitch so I’m back to the call centre which is something I said I wouldn’t do but needs must and its decent steady money to keep the family fed and housed and that’s the main thing.

 

I’ve very slowly been thinking about getting back into writing, which was the reason I set up this blog in the first place so I figured I might have a crack at it again see if I can rekindle any scraps of whatever talent I had before.

As some of you know I lost the inspiration that I had before to write and its been a hard time getting that back.

Not sure if it will ever come back but I am willing to give it a bash, just a question of getting the time, and of course finding an Idea would be good.

So anyway, that’s me.

Just basically letting my brain leak out on the page here. (it’s this or TikTok shudders)

 

I don’t know where to start again.

I don’t know if I can start again

But I am open to suggestions

Cheers.

Colin (also go by Ledge now)

It’s been a while since I was last here

Hello, it’s me and I’m here to have an angry rant.

Ok so this afternoon we went out to Asda to do a bit of shopping. Me, wifey & child.
She was walking holding the wifes hand in the shop.
This creepy looking Asian kid started circling round staring at the wee one. So I shoved the trolly towards him to get him to fuck off. He ran off. Kept seeing him around the shop. He was with his parents. But kept wandering off.
Wifey and kiddo went off to get bread I went go get juice.
I had the trolly.
Wife came back to get me, breadless, and told this kid kept circling them at the bread and twice tried to grab my daughter.
I saw red and wanted to knock the fucker out.
I stormed off seen the kid with his dad and told him what happened and he knew nothing about it he was shocked.
He told me the kid is autistic but I was still mad.
He then stood and shouted at the kid, the mother joined in, asking what he was doing they came and made him apologise for it but I’m sorry if you have a teenaged kid who is like that and by the dad’s own admission “has a thing for babies” the WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LETTING HIM RUN AROUND THE SHOPS UNSUPERVISED

I might still be angry

One Day (Poem)

I’ve been thinking of you a lot recently,

Thinking of the times we had together,

Remembering how we used to laugh,

Remembering how we used to cry.

 

You made me better,

You made me whole,

I helped you see who you truly are,

And you soared higher than I could follow.

 

All these years later,

You still fill my heart,

You are part of who I am,

You made me see who I am not.

 

One day I’ll see you again,

One day I’ll hold you in my arms,

One day my heart will be whole,

On that day I’ll soar.

What the hell was that? (excerpt of a potential longer story)

[It’s been a while since I’ve written anything that wasn’t a rant, but the other night an partial idea came to me so I’ve written an excerpt from the idea that I may or may not explore further but its a promising start, and i may still have the abilty to write, maybe. I’d like to get some feedback on it. If you could let me know what you think would be appreciated. Cheers Colin.]

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“It’s so good to see you again, I have missed you more than you can know.”

“I missed you too.” She replied as she walks over sits on my lap and kisses me. it felt good to feel her touch again, it has been a long time since I felt complete and here she was with me again.

I broke the kiss and slid her off my lap, on to the couch next to me. every fibre of my being wants to pin her to the couch and screw her brains out, right here and now, but I can’t, not yet anyway.

Walking over to the other side of the room I press my head against the cold wall trying to get my head back together. “How are you, Lisa?”

I hear her sigh “Oh you know I’m same old, same old. How about you babe?”

I don’t even know how to begin to answer that question. I don’t even know why I’m here or how I got here, my head is still feeling foggy.

“Why am I here?” I eventually ask as I turn to look at her again.

“What’s your connection to Moloch?” she asks all emotion draining from her face.

“Who?”

“Don’t play dumb with me Bill, I know you too well. What do you know about Moloch?”

“Nothing.” I sigh “Moloch doesn’t exist Lisa. Demons aren’t real, neither is magic.”

“You’re lying to me, Bill.” She growls, “I’ve seen it and I know you have as well.”

“I can’t do this again,” I say, turning to leave. I pause at the door holding the handle. “I love you Lisa, that hasn’t changed. I want you back but I can’t do this again.”

“You don’t love me, Bill, you just think you do. I’ve done things you can’t imagine and I manipulated you so you’d do what I want. I never cared about you.”

The words cut through me like a knife in the gut. I feel a burning in my core, something I’ve never felt before. “I’m leaving.”

I walk through the door, out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of something rushing towards me as I turn to face it.

My reflexes take control, holding my hands out in front of me, towards the rushing thing, I feel the weight of the thing in my hands but I’m not actually touching it. It’s floating in the air in front of me, looking at my hands they are in a claw-like gesture and the creature starts screaming in pain.

There is a crunching of bones as I bring my hands closer together and I can feel the air around it contracting, I force my hands together, the effort it’s taking is almost too much for me to handle.

The screaming from the beast suddenly cuts off and it vanishes from sight as my hands close together.

There is a rush of air that knocks me on my ass, Lisa rushes out into the corridor.

“What the hell was that?” she asks

Panting “I don’t know.”

“What did you do to it?”

I shake my head “I don’t know what happened.”

I look down at my hands, they are shaking like crazy, and there is lightning flicking between my fingers.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho!

Merry Christmas everybody, I hope you all had a good day and have been celebrating with your families or whomever you celebrate with.

As for me well I have had a pretty shitty day.

It all started last night (Christmas Eve) when the little one was getting ready to go to bed in anticipation for Santa coming. I started to feel a sense of dread creeping over me and off she went to bed. I waited for about an hour then “Santa” delivered the presents.

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It’s not much but it’s all we could afford.

Santa came and went, and I went off to bed.

This morning we got up and I gave my monster a kiss and a cuddle telling her “Merry Christmas” she replied with a smile and a push “No Daddy.” You know the usual response.

I then left her with the wife and ran downstairs to see if Santa had been, he had.

All creeping down the stairs to the meagre pile of presents under the tree and she was more interested in the partial piece of Minced Pie that Santa had left than anything else.

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(On a side note, new tradition next year, Santa isn’t getting milk and cookies/minced pie he’s getting a Bacon Double Cheese Burger and a Cider. SANTA NEEDS PROTEIN)

After we opened the presents (I got socks and flask from the wee one) had breakfast, showered and dressed we headed round to my grans for the day as we normally do.

Once we got there it was all fine. Then the presents started coming out. And I felt forgotten about, useless and a failure all at the one time.

Let’s start with me. Now I wasn’t expecting much, my folks have helped me out a lot throughout the year and I really wasn’t expecting much for Christmas, but what really hurt was that everyone else there got well thought out gifts with meaning and all that shite put into them. I got a pair of trainers and a shower gel, from my mum and dad, my sister and my wife got jackets, perfume, jewellery etc. I got trainers.

From my Grandparents the same thing everyone got something they would want and use with a lot of thought put into it. I got money stuffed in an envelope, not even a bloody card.

My sister takes the fucking cake here. She got us fuck all. A card with a piece of paper in it that said “Good for one babysitting session” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT? That is the HIGHEST level of bullshit.

Now the wife and I are broke so this year for Christmas we got everyone fancy cheese because everyone likes cheese and we put thought into who would like what and blah blah blah.

Not even any thought put into a fucking piece of bloody paper.

So, this was the portion of the day where I felt utterly forgotten about.

Next up the wee ones presents. She got absolutely spoiled loads of toys and she was so excited and happy, she loved every minute of it.

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I on the other hand started spiralling into a pit of despair.

Honestly today I felt an absolute failure as a father that I couldn’t get her that stuff. I have never felt like such a failure in my life.

I know that it is irrational and that it isn’t true but this isn’t the rational side of me that’s feeling this

I know it’s not true and that I am not a failure but I can’t help but feel that way right now.

Now on to point three. I spend every day with my daughter. I have been taking care of her for the last 2 years practically on my own since the wife went back to work and I have been the primary caregiver. I know her moods, I know when she needs a nap or some quiet time, is hungry, thirsty and everything in between.

SO WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE FEEL THE NEED TO TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO HANDLE HER?

I know what I’m fucking doing I do not need backseat parenting.

I don’t give a shit that you have been through it all before, I know my daughter better than you do.

When we were sitting down to eat dinner, she wasn’t hungry and was getting restless so I took her out of her chair and got up telling everyone id take her through to the living room and let her calm down while everyone else ate and I kept getting arguments telling me to just put her back at the table and eat.

I shall repeat again.

I KNOW MY DAUGHTER BETTER THAN YOU. I KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS.

I knew fine well there was no way she was going to settle she wanted out otherwise she was going to start screaming. So we went and watched Scooby doo problem solved.

I truly wish that people would start to realise that I know what I’m doing.

Oh and to top all this off I found out today that my own mother has no confidence in me when it comes to passing my test and being a driving instructor after all. She said to my wife on Sunday when she was round that “she hopes that I stick with it and don’t just jack it in at the first hurdle” thanks mum.

So that’s been my fucked up holiday. How was yours?

Cheers Colin.

http://ko-fi.com/scottishlegend

Two years? Where have they gone?

At 5:57 am on the 17th of December 2016 my life changed forever.

That was the moment that my daughter Jessica was born and since then nothing has ever been the same.

These pictures were taken when she was two hour old. And I’ll be honest she broke me. I’ve said this before she was born at 5.57 am and from that moment I couldn’t speak at all for at least 40 minutes. I manged to drag myself away from her to go outside and call my mum, I could barley get the words out.

It was a brutal day.

In that first year I learned a lot, a lot changed she grew everyday becoming more and more of a person and I was lucky enough to get to be there for most of it. I got made redundant and took up the role of a full time stay at home dad.

I’m not going to lie it’s been hard, harder than I ever thought it would be but it’s been worth it.

Fast forward to 17th of December 2017 and the wee ones first birthday.

She really grew in that first year.

The second year was life changing as well she started walking, talking and became a real wee person. There are so many moments in the last twelve months that I will never forget, so many moments that reduced me to tears and still do.

Again it’s been really hard but we’ve managed it.

We have struggled with money for the last year and it’s been tough but I made it through thanks to Jessica.

The last two months have been particularly hard with her birthday and Christmas coming is a real struggle.

But again fast forward to today 17th December 2018. My beautiful daughters 2nd birthday.

Her new Scooby Doo is her favourite new toy.

That last pic was taken 2 hours ago and writing this post has been very emotional for me.

I love her more than anything else in the world and everyday with her is insane but amazing.

In February I go back to working and I won’t get to spend as much time with her but what I’m doing is for her.

Thanks for reading this.

I don’t know where the last 2 years have gone but let’s see what happens next.

Cheers

Colin

ko-fi.com/scottishlegend

Update on life, Christmas is cancelled

Its been a while, I have been severely lax in updating this blog this last year and it is something that annoys me, I have said before that I haven’t had any inspiration to write recently and that’s true.

But that’s not what I’m doing today this is just going to be a rambley update on life in general.

Where to begin?

Let’s start here, my training is going well for my new career. I resat and passed my driving test again which was tough, but I got there so yay.

I have now started on the actual learning how to teach people part and oh dear god there is so much more than I thought to that, its not going to be easy but I know I can do it just going to be harder than I thought.

The good news is that I now have my franchise all sorted and an official start date so that’s all moving along nicely, sadly it won’t be this side of Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas sadly this year it has been cancelled but I’ll come back to that.

So yeah things have been hectic spending a lot of time out in the car and the rest of the time spent with the wee one.

She’s not so wee any more, a week on Monday she will be 2. Holy crap! Where have the last 2 years gone?

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I can’t get over that 2 years already. Its been nuts.

With her birthday coming up it’s got me thinking about the last 2 years and just how lucky I’ve been to have been able to spend the last 2 years at home with her.

I mean how many dads get that opportunity?

Not many.

Anyway, back to what I said earlier, Christmas has been cancelled this year for us.

Sadly, due to a lack of money there is no Christmas this year in our family.

We have managed to get something small for the wee one, she’s getting a life size Pua (the pig from Moana) so unless there is an eruption of liquid gold outside that I can mine then Santa ain’t stopping by here this year. And honestly that’s kind of killing me. Not for me I don’t want any thing, but I can’t get anything else for the wee one or the of the wife.

I don’t care about myself but for the rest.

This time of year, is really hard when you’re broke, the bills and the rent are paid so there’s that but December is hard I have the wife’s birthday on Saturday, the wee ones on the 17th and then Christmas and I feel horrible that I can’t do anything for anyone.

Next year will be different but that’s of no help now.

Sigh.

The only consolation I have is that Jessica is still, thankfully, too young to understand what Christmas is, so at least Santa not coming won’t break her wee heart. I don’t think I could live with myself if I had to do that.

So that’s it really.

I don’t know if I’ll be posting again this side of Christmas if not have a great time and a happy new year

I miss you guys ill be back at some point.

Cheers Colin.

http://ko-fi.com/scottishlegend

Where do I go from here?

I need to get back into doing this blog more regularly but I’ve had no inspiration to write anything.

I’ve tried writing but nothing is coming out, and it’s really starting to annoy me.
Don’t get me wrong I have ideas I just go blank when I try to put pen to paper.

I know I could populate the blog with rants and things but that just gets tiresome.

I could give a running commentary on my life but I’m really boring and no one wants to read about my day to day ramblings.

So I’m at an impasse, I don’t know where to go from here.

Anyway I have to think about it but I’ll take suggestions.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Here is a picture that makes me smile.

Well that was tense…

I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST I PASSED MY TEST

Did I mention I passed my test?

Quick hello

Panicking now.

I have my test tomorrow to retake my driving test.

GULP

If I pass this then it’s full steam ahead for me to start full training to be a driving instructor and then I can start making loads of cash.

I had my mock test on Thursday and I passed woop.

That was a good boost but tomorrow is the “oh fuck” day.

On a different note look at this pic of my daughter she looks so much older than she actually is, bare in mind she’s two in December.

She looks about 4 or 5 here.

Although I do like this one

Thinking By The Fire.

wanted to share this again

Welcome to my world.

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Its that time of the year,

The time for remembering,

The time for celebrating,

The time to remember the love we once had,

The time to remember the love that is still there,

We were meant to be together,

It’s truly what I believe,

I knew this the day that we met,

I should have taken the chance,

I didn’t have the courage,

I wanted to be happy,

With the love of my life.

I know you are still here,

Keeping an eye on my life,

I should have asked the question,

And made you my wife,

You are the reason I’m still here,

But I wish I was there,

Things are different now,

We have both changed,

But I have trouble moving on,

I just keep remembering,

That you are gone,

Two long years,

Without you in my life,

It should have been different,

We should have been together,

View original post 60 more words

One of the problems I live with.

I have to get this off my chest, this is something that happened a couple of weeks ago and I wasn’t going to post anything about it but a thread on twitter brought it back to my mind and I felt I should put it on here so that I can get it off of my mind.

I haven’t told anyone in real life that this happened and I intend to keep it that way.

So here goes.

Ever since I became a father I have had a premonition of this happening and a couple of weeks ago it finally did.

I was out with the little one and we were down the park playing, she was having a great time running about chasing a ball which she was throwing and running after it.

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She was having a great time just running about like a loon and basically tiering herself out.

We were there for about half an hour when it happened.

She ran off well ahead of me and was laughing so I started running after her, not very fast, but running none the less.

I let her get a bit ahead of me so that I didn’t catch her instantly. When some fucking bitch came running over and started screaming at me to get away from her.

You can imagine I was confused.

This woman thought that I was chasing after MY OWN DAUGHTER to kidnap her.

She stood in between me and the wee one and was screaming about calling the police.

I was stunned and FUCKING FURIOUS. I have never been as angry as this in my life.

Jessica (the wee one) at this point turned around and saw that I wasn’t chasing her anymore and started towards me arms out looking upset when this “woman” tried to take hold of her.

I went cold with rage and snarled at her not to even think of touching my daughter.

Jessica ran straight into my arms screaming at the top of her lungs “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” I scooped her up holding her close to me and she buried her face into my neck in floods of tears.

This thing of a human started following me as I walked back to my car and to get the hell out of there. I never looked back and just kept walking because I had to get my daughter out of there. If I stopped and turned to face this woman I would have lost it.

By the time I had gotten back to the car she had calmed down and the tears had stopped she was just looking at me and saying “Daddy?”

I did the only thing I could, I hugged her into me and kissed her on the head to reassure and comfort her saying it was ok.

This thing of a woman had stopped following me by this point and I seen her in the distance on her phone, probably calling the police. I was gone by the time they showed up if they even did I wasn’t waiting to find out.

I got her in the car and drove home. The wee one had calmed down and was back to normal so she was happy sitting at her wee table and chair eating some ice cream.

Me, I was in the kitchen shaking with anger and in tears.

This is my life people are going to be suspicious of me and think I’m some kind of monster who kidnaps kids because I was down the park with my own daughter because it was just the two of us. This wouldn’t happen to my wife if she was on her own, this wouldn’t happen if she was with us, but because I was on my own with a child I’m a monster.

I hate this world.giphy

It’s Time For A Change.

Hey folks,

I have been away for a while, to be perfectly honest I have been considering giving up this blog completely. I haven’t had the time or motivation to keep it up.

I want to address a few things in this post and gage a reaction from you lovely people who follow me see what happens going forward.

But first I want to say a huge thank you to people who helped me out a while ago. I was in a dark place and I put up a post that I was deeply ashamed off even writing but you all came through and helped me out massively.

If you missed it I asked for help because I was struggling financially and you all came through big style. I did put a post thanking everyone and I will never release the names of the people who helped me as that is not fair to them I would never want to put them into that kind of position but I can’t and won’t ever forget your generosity and how you came to my aid in my time of need.

Thank you all.

On that note, I have put off announcing this as like I said before I have been super busy and not had a lot of motivation for anything recently. I’ve been in a really dark place.

The darkness has been overwhelming, I’ve drawn back into the recesses of my mind and it’s been a real struggle to get back to the light. I am still working on this and its hard but I’m getting there.

Anyway the announcement. I asked for help with my training to becoming a driving instructor and I am happy to announce now that a few weeks ago I finally passed my Theory Test (part one of the training) and I’m now working towards my Practical (part two) and I can see the light coming and that seen ill be able to get out there and start earning.

There is a long road to go but I’m getting there. So I can never thank you all enough for the help.

So, yeah I’ve been in dark place and I’ve been doing what I always do I bottled it up I haven’t talked about it to anyone and I don’t know why I do this, actually yes I do, its because I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems. But this is a bad idea and we all know that but hey I never claimed to be smart.

Now that I am back writing this post there are a couple of things that I want to get off my chest and here is as good a place and any. Things that have been bugging me.

I have been having some health issues recently which I’ve been dealing with I have found out that I am diabetic and that I had dangerously high blood pressure. Thankfully now though, with medication, I’ve gotten this under control for now but it is a constant source of worry for me.

Money is still a huge worry and it’s getting harder each month, we have a limited amount coming in and we are having to borrow money every month just to keep afloat. It’s hard and demoralising. Even though I have been applying for jobs left right and centre I am getting nowhere and it’s just… hard.

One of the main things that has been bothering me is I seem to have lost one of my oldest and best friends and I have no idea why. She has just stopped talking to me. the last time we spoke was the week before my birthday, she was meant to come down that weekend for a few hours to hang out. since then I got one text on my actual birthday and since then nothing. Not answering calls, text emails nothing. I have sent messages outright asking why she has stopped talking to me and got feck all answer. I have stopped short of turning up at her door and finding out why.

I am not going to go that far. Its been made abundantly clear that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and I’m not going to go begging for answers. Well, I guess that’s a 13-year friendship gone down the drain.

Ah well.

So that’s been my life recently.

 

Yesterday I hit a milestone on here, I hit my 400th follower on WordPress and I am shocked that this has happened. it is a huge achievement for me and its taken over 3 years to get this far and I wanted to say thank you again.

 

With this in mind, now that I have hit the 400 landmark, I want to change my blog.

I want to see what I can do for others. I want to try and build a place here where everyone has a place to come and say what they want if you want to tell a joke, a story, have a rant or just get something off your chest. I am thinking that if anyone has something to say that they could say it here, free from repercussions anonymity would be there if you want it or if you want to put yourself out there.

I want everyone to have a voice, I want people to support each other and help with problems. Having people to talk to is a big thing and it helps.

Like I said earlier I have been in a dark place and my way of getting out of the dark is to help others, and that’s what I want to do now.

So I want to open this blog up to be a safe place for everyone and for anyone who wants to, to contribute. Not sure how to do that just now but ill work on it.

This blog isn’t about me anymore. It’s about what I can do for others.

You have all helped me through so much over the past few years that I want to give back to anyone I can in anyway that I can.

 

So, what do you think?

What changed?

I know I haven’t been around a lot recently, things have been different for a while now.

We don’t talk like we used too, I’ve felt you growing more and more distant, you are sad all the time and nothing I do seems to shake it from your depression.

I wish you would talk to me like you used too but things have changed now.

It feels like we are strangers living in the same house, we never go to bed at the same time anymore, you go off each night without even saying goodnight.

All I feel is cold and loneliness now, I miss the warmth of your touch.

I wish I knew what the problem was.

I wish I knew how to get things back to normal.

I wish things would go back to how they were…

 

…Before that car crash.

We interrupt your scrolling to bring you some Breaking News.

In a shocking turn of events, that will shock absolutely nobody, it turns out that I am a complete and utter pushover when it comes to my daughter.

Tonight, we had to go shopping to buy a new litter tray for the cats as the wife broke the last one. We went to a shop called B&M, which basically sells anything you can think of.

So was wandering about, and the little one has not been too well recently, her back teeth are coming in and she has a cold as a result of this, which means she has been extra, extra clingy and huggy. so I thought I would buy her a wee present to cheer her up.

She is totally obsessed with the tv show Paw Patrol and has one of the pups as a teddy, she has Everest, so when walking around the shop I spotted some other ones on the shelf in the toy section, there were three of them. Chase Marshall and Skye.

I picked them off the shelf and held them out to her and asked which one she wanted.

You can guess what happened next right?

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That’s right as you can see we got all three of them.

Yep, I’m a pushover.

Before you judge me. in my defence, you didn’t see the look of pure joy on her face when I showed her the toys. She grabbed them and started hugging them right there in the trolly. There is no way I could take them off her and break her wee heart.

So yeah I’m a pushover, but it was totally worth it.

Let’s get back to basics.

Hello everyone,

Hope you are having a good Sunday.

I am looking for some inspiration.

I really want to get back to writing again but I have not got any idea of what I could write about, I have got nothing going on in-between the old ears (no need to make a joke of that Kira or Cyranny, and don’t give me that look I know what you were thinking) so I am looking for you lovely people to give me some help with some ideas.

If you have any ideas that I could write about or pictures that you have taken/drawn that could inspire me to write something I would be greatly appreciative if you could either tag me in it with this post or pop some ideas in the comments.

Give it your all and hit it with all the Zealous fortitude that I know you have.

Cheers in advance

Colin

I really should listen to myself.

Why can’t I take my own advice?

I mean seriously I am such a bloody idiot.

The post I made a few days ago, inspired by an excellent yet weird drawing by Kira Scribbles, was all about not dwelling on the past, not looking back at what we can’t have, of what we have lost.

And what do I go and do? The exact bloody opposite. I barrelled straight into the past with two feet and got hit like a truck.

I won’t go into details, but I found out something about someone I lost from my life a few years ago, someone I care deeply for, and it left me feeling… I think the best way to describe it is as Ambiguous.

If you have been following me for a long time you will know that I have spoken about this person before and that I named my daughter after them.

So, last night I found something out and it genuinely hit me like a truck.

It has taken me a long, long time to move on and get to a point where I haven’t been obsessing over the past practically every damn day, now it’s more like every few months, but I seem to have had a setback.

The worst part is that no matter my feelings on the matter, I can’t contact them to say congratulations or anything at all.

That is the part that hurts the most is that, even though we don’t speak anymore, she is still one of the best friends ii have ever had in this life and I can’t be there to say anything.

If you are out there and you are reading this, I don’t know if you still check my blog from time to time, but you know who you are, I want to say I am happy for you and you will always have a place in my heart. I hope you are happy and know I’ll always be here.

I have been getting better at this whole thing now it’s going to take a few days to get my head out my arse.

But hey you have to play the hand you’re dealt sadly this round for me is a shite one so I’ll just have to tough it out.

I won’t fold, but I can’t bluff my way through either. I’ll take the hit on this hand but the next one is mine and I’m going to get something out of it and move forward with zeal.

I have a lot coming up and I’m going to focus on that and as always I have the most important thing in my life, my daughter, she is the only real thing I have and that I would do anything for, she makes my life complete and I can’t ask for more than that.

A temporary set back is all this is I’ll rebound and move on. I just had to write down these thoughts because I can’t do anything else.

Well that’s enough rambling

Take care.

Dwelling on the past.

Everyone wants something.

It could be money, food, power, love or even sex.

We long for what we can’t have, we long for what we have lost, we worry about what may come.

There is no pain greater than the loss of love, except that of what could have been.

It may be a cliché to say, but, it’s not the times that we fall that we regret the most, it’s the times we never took the chance.

We all sit and dwell on the missed opportunities.

We are reminiscent of the memories we have and ponder over the ones never made.

We have to move forward.

If we don’t we are doomed to suffer.

You will never have what your heart desires, what you truly hunger for, if you are always looking backwards into your past.

kira
[This, I’m not really sure what to call it, was inspired by the above picture drawn by the inimitable Kira Scribbles. She has a really weird brain but it’s awesome. Anyway, when I saw it this is what came to mind. hope you like it.]

I can never thank you enough.

Last week I put up a post that I wasn’t even sure I was actually going to post.

I was asking for some help as I am really struggling in life right now and the response I got was overwhelming.

You are all far too kind and generous and I don’t deserve to have such people as you in my life in anyway.

There is one person I want to thank in particular but I would never be so crass to as to name them publicly for their overwhelming caring and generosity so I will just say the biggest thank you and you know exactly who you are.

I can never repay you for your kindness and if you ever need anything you know where I am.

Thank you so, so much.

I will admit that when I seen the love and support coming through I did shed a tear.

I can never say thank you enough.

I am working towards getting back on track and you all have given me a first step towards that. I wouldn’t be able to see the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel with out all of you.

Thank you again.

 

(In case anyone else is able to help https://ko-fi.com/scottishlegend)

 

Oh I hate being in this position.

I never thought I would ever, in my life, write a post like this.

As I am writing this I’m not even sure if I will post it or not I actually hate myself a little for even thinking about this but here goes.

 

As anyone who has even so much as glanced at my blog over the last 18 months you will know that since May last year I have been unemployed.

I have spent the last year at home as a full time stay at home dad and I have loved every minute I have spent with my daughter but now things are getting tight with money and I’ve been trying to get a job, interview after interview and I keep getting rejected.

So I decided to train to be a driving instructor.

This is harder than I thought it would be, I am trying to pass my Theory test (part one of the training) but I keep failing it in one section when I go to the test centre. The thing that is driving me insane is the fact that when I go through the test on my own I pass it every single time.

I have no idea what the problem is when I go sit the official test but I keep coming up short. I am at my wits end and I have no freaking clue why the hell I can’t pass it.

I am not going to stop trying, I’m too stubborn and this is what I want to do.

 

The problem is that because I am not working I have run out of cash and now I can’t afford to pay to re-sit the test.

I have been lucky so far as I got a tax rebate a couple of months ago but that has now dried up, I’ve started doing some work online doing transcriptions but that’s hardly paying anything. I work on a 10-minute file to transcribe, it took me nearly 2 and a half hours and all I got paid as $7 and that dropped to £5 when it was converted.

So that’s basically salve labour.

I need to get this test passed (then find another £111 to sit part 2) but not working has completely debilitated my ability to pay for, and you know buy food, this brings me back to hating myself for doing this but I’m running out of options.

 

I know this will be asking a lot and honestly, I don’t expect anyone to actually do it but I’m taking the shot.

If you would be so kind and have the ability to help me out I would forever be in your debt, if you can help in anyway there is a link below for my KO-FI account any help would be greatly appreciated.

https://ko-fi.com/scottishlegend

I truly hate myself for doing this but I’m doing it for my family so that I can keep a roof over our heads.

 

I’m going to stop talking here as I’m hating myself more the more I write so I’m just going to stop.

Thank you

If I post this it will probably be deleted not long after

 

I need your light (poem)[sort of]

I keep trying,

Hitting my head upon the wall,

No matter what I do I seem to fail,

Something is holding me back,

Something is putting me off,

If I don’t shake it off soon,

I think I’ll go mad.

I won’t quit,

I’ve come to far,

I can’t turn back now,

My future depends on it.

I know you are my past,

But I could use your support,

I need your strength to keep going,

I need your motivation not to give up,

I am holding the key to the future in my hand,

I just wish you were here to shine a light on the lock.

I’ll be brief

Things have been a bit rough recently. I’ve been dealing with some issues in my life and I haven’t really had a lot of time or motivation to write anything.

So, here’s what has been happening.

I’ll keep this brief.

I’ve been trying to pass my theory test so that I can progress with my training to be a driving instructor. So far, I have sat it twice and fucked it up both times. The thing that really pisses me off is that the section that I failed on BOTH TIMES I pass it every single fucking time that I sit at home, but when I get to the test centre I fuck it right up. TWICE.

I have another attempt coming up and if I don’t pass it fuck knows what I’m going to do as it costs £82 each time and I’m out of cash if I don’t pass this time I’m fucked.

Next

I’ve been applying for part-time jobs and I can’t catch a fucking break and actually get one of them. Today I actually got feedback from one of them and they didn’t give me the job purely because I can’t be 100% flexible due to the fact I don’t have childcare two days a week. (can only afford three days)

I did say that if I have enough notice I can re-arrange the days and be flexible, but their thinking is that if someone called in sick on the day that I don’t have childcare then I couldn’t cover a shift.

Its bullshit but I appreciated the fact that they actually got back to me and actually told me that I didn’t get the job, instead of just leaving me hanging. Which is what everyone else has done.

I think the fact that they did this made me not as bothered that I didn’t get the job.

I mean how fucking hard is it to send someone an email to say sorry you haven’t been offered the job?

I take all the time to apply, fill out an application, do a phone interview then go for a face to face interview and you can’t even send me a lousy email?

Screw you.

Lastly, I said in my last post that I have been having some health issues.

Well it turns out I’m diabetic and have extremely high blood pressure.

So that’s fun.

Also I’m now 34 and feel old as fuck.

That’s all for now

Catch you sometime.

Hi

Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve put anything on here.

I have been dealing with a fair few issues recently, professionally, personally and health-related so I haven’t had the energy or the motivation to post anything here on WordPress.

I will try and pull my thoughts together into some sort of coherent rambling in the next couple of weeks but until then this is all I’ve got.

Not sure anyone will have noticed I’ve been gone but I’m trying to claw my way back to normalcy but others have needed my help more than I have needed to take care of myself, always the same I can’t help but try to sort everyone else problems before my own.

Also, the midget has been a massive handful. Almost 19 months old and getting more precocious (yes I hate using such a pretentious word but can’t think of another one to use right now) every day.

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One…Two…Three
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And lift with the legs

Anyway, I’ll try to be back soon.

Cheers

Colin

Late present

Friday is my birthday and I will be [REDACTED] years old.

Tonight I have been given a late birthday present from LAST YEAR, that has apparently been sitting in a drawer for the last year.

Now if that was me I would have kept them for a week and said Happy Birthday but then that’s just me.

Anyway I’m off to find some colouring pencils

How can I stop the bad dreams?

It’s 2.25am I’m sitting on the couch because I’ve just been woken up by the little one screaming her heart out.

She was sleeping peacefully then boom.

I don’t know why?

She seems to be in pain but nothing is hurting her.

This is happening a lot and all I can think is that she is having nightmares.

She’s not even 18 months yet.

What could she possibly be dreaming that could upset her so much?

This is killing me, it is the one thing that I cannot protect her from. Everytime she has a bad dream it breaks my heart that I can’t do anything to stop it.

I feel utterly powerless.

I wish I could make them go away but all I can do is sit on the sideline and watch.

I need to try and do something.

Hey, It’s been a while

Hey everyone, it’s been a while since I posted anything on here. to be honest I have been thinking about giving up the blog.

I haven’t had much time to put anything on here or had anything to say really.

So, I don’t know if I will continue with this or not, I’m pretty sure only one person on here would notice if I went away completely.

Anyway, I’m going to ramble for a while and see if there is anything interesting to write or not.

Where to start? Well, there hasn’t been much going on.

I have been mostly studying for my upcoming theory test as part of my training to become a driving instructor. By god, it’s harder than I was expecting.

There is so much that I have learned from this that I never even knew that I didn’t know.

The first load of mock test I did we utter failures, I just kept getting a lower and lower score. I was starting to worry that I had bitten off more than I could chew and that I was going to fail this miserably. I’ll be honest I was starting to panic that I was completely screwed.

Then I found a page on the site provided by the company doing my training that I should have read first, and it gave all the different information to pass the test. (YAY) I should have looked at this first but me being me just dove in head first and almost fucked up completely.

But now I have been going through the tests after and the juxtaposition between the before and after is insane.

Now I have booked my test for the end of the June (not going to say the exact date but it is before my birthday) so I’m working towards that, and when I have passed it I can move on to the practical side of things and, fingers crossed, I can be up and running, earning money by the end of the year.

 

Let’s see what else has been happening?

As if this week it is one year since I stopped smoking so that’s something.

It’s also one year that I have been unemployed. But I have been at home with the little one so win-win.

Speaking of the little one she has been hard work recently throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat anytime she doesn’t get her own way, it is really starting to grate on me she has got such a wee temper on her, I’ve been dealing with it the best way I can, by not giving in to her so that she learns she can’t get her own way all the time. But at (almost) 18 months old its hard to get this across when she doesn’t understand what I am telling her.

And I swear if one more person tells me that “she is going to be a terrible 2” I’m going to punch them. I really wish people would stop trying to tell me how to raise my daughter its really driving me mad.

The other thing is she is teething again, this time it is the k9 teeth that are coming in and I think that they are hitting a nerve as she seems to be in a lot of pain.

Now as much as I love her, and it’s more than anything else, I really want one night where she isn’t in bed with us as it seems to be the only way she will sleep the night if either I or the wife are hugging her. One night alone is that too much to ask?

Speaking of the wife we have plans in a few weeks for my birthday we are going to see a stand-up show for my birthday, we were going to be staying the night in Glasgow but tragically monetary issues are preventing that from happening. Can’t afford the hotel.

But we will be going for the day/night out get the train through to Glasgow, have a few drinks, dinner then see the show then head home, the midget shall be staying with my mum for a change.

I am looking to take on some side work doing transcriptions to make a little extra cash, it won’t be a lot, but it should be enough to take the edge off until I am qualified and raking in the cash.

 

The little one is still taking up most of my time, other than studying, and she is a handful but so full of life and cheer when she’s not throwing a tantrum.

Her new trick now is just running about the house shouting “Daddy” she does it all the time and it is cute. She also runs straight for me and is happy to see me when I pick her up from the childminders. She runs straight at me and into my arms.

There really is part of me that wants her to just stop growing, keep her as she is right now, never get any older and just stay my little girl forever.

I know that won’t happen, but I can dream.

Oh, one last thing.

This weekend we are all taking a trip into Glasgow and I have bought her a complete set of a series of books I want to read to her when she is older (I have read them a few times and they are great its Skulduggery Pleasant) and we are going through to the bookshop on Sunday to get the new book in the series and get them all signed by the author. So that when she grows up and is reading the books she will have the full set signed by the author.

How’s that for a present?

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Anyway, that’s enough rambling for now. like I said at the start of this I haven’t decided if I will keep my blog going but I have a few months to decide or not so I’ll mull it over.

Catch you all later.

 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Seriously America? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Another school shooting?

Another ten children dead?

GET RID OF THE FUCKING GUNS

Is the ability to kill someone really worth the lives of your children being taken prematurely?

I’ve already had an In depth discussion about gun control.

The amount of idiots on twitter defending the gun rights is ridiculous saying that having less doors could have stopped it.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

LESS DOORS?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Then I remembered this

Fuck it I’m done.

Someone to bounce ideas around with.

pexels-photo-1043514.jpeg

Hey folks,

How have you all been?

I am looking for some help here. I have come up with an idea for a new book and I am looking for someone to talk to about it, bounce about some ideas.

Anyone want to help me?

Something on my mind

When I was eighteen I went away to work for the summer in London. I was working on the rods doing traffic management. I was away for the summer, made decent money and had a good time.

I came back on the 31st of July that summer I was meant to come back on the 30th but one of the guys coming down missed his flight so I stayed for a day extra.

I came back on home on a Wednesday afternoon and my mum came home to see me after work instead of going up to the hospital to see my grandad who had been in there for a few weeks.

After seeing me she went up to the hospital to see him, but she had missed him.

He had died half an hour beforehand. If my mum hadn’t come home to see me she would have gotten to say goodbye to her dad before he died.

This year that will have been sixteen years ago and to this day I still feel guilty about it.

I am the reason my mum never got to say goodbye to her dad. I know this is a stupid thing to feel guilty about, but I do. I have been told countless times by my mum that I shouldn’t, but I do, I can’t help it.

Even a few years ago when I was seeing a therapist I told her this and was told that there is no reason for me to feel this way, but I can’t help it. I do.

Now you are probably wondering why I am writing this and posting it here on my blog, and you’d be well within your right to wonder why.

It is something that has been on my mind a fair bit today (Aside from seeing the Avengers: Infinity War – which was epic) I’ve been thinking about that a fair bit today because of a dream I had last night.

Before I go on I should mention that my granny died about six years ago.

It was rather a strange dream, I was in their house, but it was larger than it actually is, the whole family was there, including my little monster, she was running about like a lunatic as per usual. What was bizarre about this (apart from the whole thing) was that my grandad was alive and well, exactly how I remember him and he was playing with my daughter, something that obviously will never happen, while upstairs there were doctors wheeling out my granny who had just died (again she died six years ago, ten years after my grandad) they started wheeling out a hospital bed and oxygen tanks.

We stood in the kitchen with my mum, my grandad and the little one and everyone else, just standing there talking as they did this, but, I was at the same time getting an up-close view of everything that else that was going on. It was as if I were in two places at once.

Just then I got woken up.

There was a lot more going on than I have said, mostly because I can’t remember the rest. It has been fading as the day goes on.

But there is one thing that I can’t shake. It was the last image I saw just before I was woken up.

My grandad standing in his kitchen holding my daughter as she played with his nose and the smile he had on his face.

This is something that I hope I don’t forget and I wish I could get a picture of it in the real world, print it out and give it to my mum, but…

I have no idea why I had this dream last night/this morning, but it has stuck with me all day and I don’t know what to do about it.

My grandad was a huge part of my life growing up, he used to take care of us after school when my mum was working and he used to take me fishing down the river.

So, I thought I’d write it down.

That’s pretty much all I have I have just now.

[note: the header picture is me and my grandad on what I think is my fifth birthday]

I AM NOT A FUCKING MILLENNIAL!

Evening folks,

As promised earlier its time for a rant.

This afternoon I was scrolling through twitter and I came across a link to this article.

 

Here is the Full article

I read it and through “oh for fuck sake this is just ridiculous” then I kept scrolling through the thread and I came across this tweet.

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Then this one.

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These two tweets really pissed me off.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but it pissed me off

Let see if you can guess what pissed me off.

IF YOU ARE OVER THIRTY, YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING MILLENNIAL

giphy3

This drives me up the fucking wall. I am Thirty-Three and I take being called a millennial as a fucking insult.

I have a (had) a real job, I don’t make money, I wear clothes that fit me as they should, I want a fucking living room, I don’t want to live in a one-room fucking house, I don’t wear beanie hats, I shower, I am married, I have a child, I don’t do things to be “ironic” and I HAVE NEVER EATEN A FUCKING AVOCADO IN MY LIFE.

I was born in June 1984 I am not a fucking millennial I am part of Generation Y (people born between 1981-1991)

People want to lug themselves in with the millennials because they think they are cool. Get to fuck.

The general rule to go by is this:

Were you in (or have attended) High School in 1999-2000? Were you a high school student or beyond at the turn of the millennium? If you answer yes to this question the YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING MILLENNIAL.

You may have noticed that I hate being lumped into this bullshit group.

I am not an entitled fuckwit who is afraid of a hard days work and wants to coast through life. So don’t go lumping me in with them. If you were born in the 80’s you aren’t a fucking millennial. I am not a good for nothing layabout.

Get it straight.

Rant over.

 

{Amendment: I know that the description I have given above does not apply to everyone that goes under the millennial label but it is general stereotype so I’m going with that.}

Adulting Is Hard

Well, today was an odd day.

I spent the day with the little one as she wasn’t at the childminders today so got up and made her and myself French Toast for breakfast and it was good.

Then after playing for an hour or so she fell asleep face down on the carpet.

“YAY,” I thought so I carried her upstairs put her in her cot and breathed a sigh of relief.

So, I went downstairs jumped in the shower and got dressed, and sod’s law literally as I put the kettle on to make a cup of tea, sigh, she woke up crying.

Fifteen minutes FIFTEEN GOD DAMN MINUTES. That’s how long I got to myself. Fifteen damn minutes.

I went and got her brought her down, made a bottle and gave her a yoghurt to which she proceeds to stand in the kitchen and, for no reason that I could fathom, proceeded to cry for five minutes straight.

*SIGH*

Adulting is hard.

After that, we went shopping and while driving to the shop, I realised that I would have to find somewhere to get change for the trolley, a pain in the arse to be sure.

Then it happened. I got the phone call from the Job Centre to tell me that the funding that I had applied for to pay for the training to become a driving instructor has been declined.

The reasoning they gave was that the training would take too long.

What kind of bullshit response is that?

They complain that people don’t get jobs but when someone comes up with a plan to become a qualified instructor and become self-employed and all that is standing in the way of this is the funding for well then, they will bend over backwards to say no.

Yet all the junkies and alcoholics get their rent paid for, money for booze, methadone paid for… ok, ok stop ranting and get back to the point.

So, they shafted me. I ain’t getting any help.

As you can imagine this pissed me off slightly, I started thinking about all the other options available and I called the driving school, left a message then went shopping.

When we got home they called me back and told me the different options. They have an offer on right now where they are offering the whole course for £1004 less than before so I don’t need to come up with as much money.

So, all the different options started running through my head, grants, bank loans, overdrafts, bank robbery, fraud, robbing a liquor store or finding a magic Genie. You know the usual thought process.

Now some of those may be a bit out there. I mean what exactly are the chances of getting a bank loan.

So that was my thoughts for the afternoon.

The one thing I have to cling on to is the contest that I was going to enter this week where I can win a full edit of my novel and help for five weeks to polish it and get it ready for submission to agents and publishers.

The wife came home, I gave her the bad news had dinner then I called my mum to tell her that I had not got the funding as well. We both had a rant about the state of the government and the fact that they won’t do anything to help people who actually want to work but will help… nope, nope, nope don’t start again.

Then it happened.

Two minutes after I got off the phone with my mum, she called me back to say that she had spoken to my dad and that they will give me the money for the training. Pay the full thing as long as I pay it back when I am up and running.

I was shocked, to say the least at this. I have no words to say thank you to this.

So, it means that probably (hopefully) as of Monday ill be in full swing of training.

That’s been my weird day.

 

The Package

It had been a long day and all Luke wanted to do was go home, have a hot shower and then collapse in front of the tv and watch a good film.

Work had been hellish dealing he had to deal with all of the angry customers today in the shop and one of them spouted out the phrase that will be guaranteed to get his back up and make sure that he would go out of his way not to help them “I pay your wages.”

Anyone who has ever worked with the public or in customer services will know just how much this phrase will make you angry.

Having to repress the rage that was his response had then buggered up the rest of his day. So now all Luke wanted to do was relax for the rest of the night and not talk to anyone.

The rage of the day slowly started to wash away as he stood under the hot shower, letting the hot water pound into his tense muscles and relieve the tension.

After a long soak and a quick meal, Luke was passed out on the couch when he was roused from his slumber by a hammering on his front door. It took a few moments for his brain to register what the noise was.

Groggily he stumbled towards the door, banging his shin on the coffee table for his trouble when he finally got to the door he opened it to see that whoever had been hammering on the door was gone.

He stuck his neck out to see if there was anyone about but there was no one in sight, the street was deserted.

He had left his glasses on the bedside table in the rush to answer the door. He was about to get back inside when he noticed the package sitting there on the doorstep.

He reached down tentatively, prodding at it slightly. Nothing happened.

Having one last look at the street, still no one in sight. Reaching down Luke picked up the package and took it back inside.

Setting it on the coffee table he wanders off into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea to try and help clear the cobwebs out of his head and think about what kind of crank would hammer on his door at two in the morning just to leave a package on his doorstep.

Sitting down with his tea, he picked up the package, noticing a note attached to the underside.

Luke,

The worst has come to pass, the emperor has risen again and you are the only one who can stop him.

We need you to come back and do battle with him once again

Please, Luke, you are our only hope.

Ellen.

“Who the hell is Ellen?” Luke asked himself as he read the note again. “This has to be some kind of a joke, I’ll be that this is Andy that has sent this.”

Shaking his head he starts to tear the paper off of the revealing an ornately carved wooden box “Damn Andy has gone all out for this one.”

Opening the box there is a blinding flash of light and Luke is sent flying over the back of the couch hitting the wall behind and crumples to the floor.

 

 

Looking for a challenge

Hey everyone,

I haven’t been really in the headspace recently for writing, and I want to try to get back into the swing of things.

With that thought, I am looking for your help.

If you would be so kind and are up for helping me I have a request.

In the comments below can you give me a line or a topic for me to write about. I am looking for inspiration or a challenge to write a fictional story from so either a line to inspire a story or a topic i.e something like a place and a time or a reason for someone to be there

If you can do this I would be greatly appreciated

Cheers

Colin.

New Challenge

I am going to try a new thing tonight I am going to start writing for ten minutes straight with no clue what I am about to say just whatever my fingers decide to say.

 

And the ten minutes start NOW:

Apparently today has been national unicorn day?? Who knew that was a thing it was really random when I discovered this on twitter today.

No, I don’t know why this is a thing but how many of you reading this know that the national animal of Scotland is in fact the Unicorn?

See I bet you didn’t know that. it is a random thing to have as your national anima but hey it’s cool.

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What else has been going on? Well I am still unemployed, no prospects of employment but on the other hand I should find out if I am going to get the funding to go forward with the training to be a driving instructor so that’s something.

Also, I got an intriguing message the other day someone wants to commission me to write stories for their website, I have to admit this came out of the blue and we are currently in negotiations and ironing out details but I’m excited to get on with this.

The midget is still going strong she’s getting bigger every day, but she is now not letting a night go by where she isn’t in bed with us, HOW CAN SOMEONE SO TINY TAKE UP SO MUCH ROOM?

What else to write? Ehm… oh I went and seen Ready Player One on Saturday it’s a good film, but tragically I have read the book multiple times and I really like it and the film well let’s just say that It keeps to the same story for about 10 minutes then the whole book got thrown out of the window.

They don’t even keep all of the characters names the same. And one of the most pivotal deaths in the book, which spurs on the protagonist to keep fighting is completely deleted what a waste

But that’s not to say it’s a bad film it is a good film its just a terrible adaptation.

Ehm this is harder than I thought it would be I’ve got 3 minutes left what else do I have to say? I thought this would feel rushed and I do a little I’m just spouting rubbish now.

In one months’ time it I will officially be one-year smoke free. I stopped smoking in may last year and that’s almost one year off the cigarettes.

So, yay me.

I did an online test the other day to see if I could pass the theory driving test again. I haven’t looked at any materials for this since I was 18 and have seen nothing of this for years so I have to do the test again for being a driving instructor and I sat an online test and I scored….

 

 

And that’s time.

 

Well that was a fun ten minutes not as bad as I thought it would be but yeah, I did have struggle a little in the middle there.

I would love to see if anyone else wants to try this and see what they come up with if you do it let me know

Cheers colin

I hope this was in some way coherent if not well I’ll try harder next time.

 

Fancy a coffee?

I have decided to make some changes in my life,

I have written about this before and anyone who’s read my post knows that to spend more time with my daughter and get some semblance of sanity back I am going to train to become a driving instructor.

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It’s going to be a long process and it’s going to be a challenge, but it is one that I am looking forward to. I am currently waiting on a response from the agency that I have applied to for funding to take the training and as soon as that comes through then it will be full steam ahead and I can get started.

The other reason I have decided to tackle this new career path is that I will get to be my own boss, I will get to set my own hours and I can work around my family.

I don’t want to have the little one come to me in the future and ask me to do something with her for school classes sports writing or whatever it is she’s doing, and I have to say no. I want the flexibility so that I can be there for her no matter what.

Also, with setting my own hours I can also have time to pursue writing as well.

As many of you know my dream is to get my novel published, I am not wanting this for fame or fortune I just want to be able to say “I did that” and not one day “I wish I had done that” I’d love to walk into a bookstore and see my name on the shelf. Or be sitting on a train and look over and see someone sitting reading my book. That is my dream, just to see people reading my work. I’m not one for fame and fortune i just want to say “I did that!”

I want to start sending it off to agents and publishers but it’s not quite up to scratch.

I would love to get a Full Professional Edit for my novel before submitting it to agents and publishers. Sadly, though this is well beyond my financial capabilities so I’ve set up something I never thought I would do.

I have seen this on a few different blogs and I thought id give it a try, I’ve always been frigid on these things, but I thought “Hey, why not try”

So, with that in mind I have set up a Ko-Fi page and if anyone would like to “Buy Me A Coffee” I would be very very grateful.

I know most people won’t look at it, but I thought it was worth a shot if you don’t want to or can’t help then no worries all is good.

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Anyway, that’s my ramblings for today hope you have a good one.

https://ko-fi.com/J3J6BPJ2

Quiet Easter

I’ve had a quiet few days.

The weather has been crap so it was with great delight that I found the bake off on Netflix.

So I’ve been churning my way through it and it’s still awesome.

I got a bit of the bug and tried to make Blondies.

I may have buggered it up slightly

But they tastes awesome.

Also we were playing in a tent

How’s everyone else been?

If anyone wants the recipe for the Blondies just ask

Resurfacing Memories [poem]

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I’ve not thought of you for a long time,

I’ve been living my life having moved on,

Then the memory hits me of when you were mine,

And I’m sent spiralling, remembering you’re gone.

It comes out of nowhere,

It hits me like a train,

Haunting my memory,

Bringing back the pain.

My love for you hasn’t diminished,

Part of your soul is still entwined with mine,

The dreams of you will never be finished,

You hold my heart to the end of time.

As long as you hold part of me with you,

You’ll never be alone,

I’ll live in your heart,

I’ll live in your soul,

Your memory holds back the toxic thoughts,

Saving me every day.

I miss you,

I love you,

Through the pain, the resurfacing memories,

Give me the strength to carry on,

Waiting for the day you come back to me.

I won an award.

Last night I went to an awards ceremony.

I had no idea why I was going, I didn’t know why I was invited or what I was nominated for.

So I went along, being pretty clueless, and it turns out that I was nominated because I had published my first book on kindle.

I got a medal and a certificate for this.

Yay. Go me.

With that if you would like to pick up a copy of the, now, Award Winning book of short stories the links are below

UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B077DPT5NS

USA https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077DPT5NS

Canada: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B077DPT5NS

Austraila: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B077DPT5NS

Mexico: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B077DPT5NS

Germany: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B077DPT5NS

France: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B077DPT5NS

Spain: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B077DPT5NS

Italy: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B077DPT5NS

Netherlands: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B077DPT5NS

Japan: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B077DPT5NS

Brazil: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B077DPT5NS

India: https://www.amazon.in/dp/B077DPT5NS

Closing the Door [poem]

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When you close the door on the past,

You move forward to the future,

You never know how long the peace will last,

Closing the door is hard,

Letting go of what you thought was your true path,

Part of that path will always linger,

Wondering what could have been,

But the future isn’t set,

It has yet to be seen.

I’m going to an awards ceremony

A few weeks ago I received a rather strange letter.

I have been nominated for and award at the annual Sports and Arts Awards.

So the awards ceremony is tonight and yet I still have no clue what award I’ve been nominated for, why I have been nominated for it, or who has nominated me for it.

I’ve been frantically trying to figure out why I’ve been nominated but still no clue.

Well I guess I’ll find out later.

Anyone got any ideas?

It’s official, I am Unemployable

Hey folks, it has been nearly two weeks since I have posted anything, so I wanted to do a quick update.

Its been a rough week or so, I have had to face a few home truths and realisations on things.

The first being that I had an interview for a job that I didn’t particularly want, call centre job and if you’ve been around my blog for a while you will know why, but I went for it anyway.

It was what I was considering my “Safety Job” a job that I could walk into, do with my eyes closed and survive through long enough to make sure I could provide for my family.

I didn’t get it.

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This sent me into a spiral where I have concluded that I am now pretty much unemployable.

The rejection email that I got said that I “don’t meet the requirements”. What the hell are they looking for let’s do a list shall we.

Requirements to work for a Satellite Television Provider Doing Technical Support:

  1. Have experience working in customer service? How is at least 15 years’ worth of experience?
  2. Have experience working in call centres? Again, how about at least 15 years’ experience?
  3. Have experience working in Technical support? How about 9 years’ worth of experience doing technical support?
  4. Have previous similar job experience for this role? HOW ABOUT THE FACT I DID THIS EXACT SAME BLOODY JOB FOR 2 GOD DAMN YEARS?

Well, apparently, checking all these boxes “Doesn’t meet the requirements.” And then in the email, they had the absolute nerve to say that “due to the number of applicants they cannot provide individual feedback” THERE WERE FUCKING FOUR PEOPLE THERE, INCLUDING ME.

Oh, and then there was the little bit at the end that said if you want to reapply you can in 3 months.

Fuck off.

*Sigh*

So that was a low point, the point where I had to swallow the bitter pill of acceptance that I can’t even get the job that I was sure I could walk into and accept that I am unemployable.

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Where do I go from here?

What will I do now?

I took a few hours after getting that email being angry and feeling sorry for myself and realising that no one is going to offer me a job so I am just going to have to do it myself.

I was looking about for something completely and I came across a website for a chain of vape/e-cigarette shops that are looking to expand and are offering franchise opportunities to open up your own shop. So I considered this and decided to investigate it.

That’s when it hit me. I looked into a similar sort of things a few years ago, but I was working at the time and I didn’t want to risk what I was doing at the time to pursue it.

But now what have I got to lose?

I sent out some feelers and contacted a few companies to get the information I needed to make an informed decision and I got more than what I needed. I have found someone willing to help me through the training and offer me a position at the end of it, providing I pass the tests.

Now you may now be wondering “well Colin you’ve said what you have done but you haven’t actually said what the job is.” And you would be right. I haven’t.

So here it is.

I am hoping to train to be Driving Instructor.

If you think about it it’s a great idea, I like helping people, I can make my own hours, ill be my own boss, I will have a franchise where I pay a certain amount to the company and then I can trade under their name.

Also, they will give me a brand-new car every 18 months.

It will involve me having to resit my driving test (gulp) then an instructors test (double gulp) and the training isn’t cheap. It’s around two and a half grand for the training.

So that is my big stumbling block now, getting the money. I am applying for a funding grant to pay for the training on the condition that once the training is complete I am guaranteed a job at the end of it.

So I have a lot of work to do to achieve this goal but the first steps start this week when I apply for the funding.

Wish me luck.

In other news, I have food poisoning so that’s been fun.

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How is everyone else?

Taking the plunge

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As some of you know I’ve been working on a Sci-Fi adventure novel set in the aftermath of an alien invasion and is about one man’s quest to to travel across the world to save the one person left alive that he cares about and save her from the aliens holding her captive.

I’ve been working on it for a couple of years now after finishing the first draft in five weeks and writing the last chapter on the night before my wedding.

It helped keep my mind occupied.

When I started writing it I was in the middle of struggling with depression and writing this book helped me deal with it and move in a constructive way.

Anyway tonight I was meandering around twitter when I came across this contest where I can submit my novel and possibly win £7500 as a grant for research on my next novel.

So I took the plunge. Wish me luck

Journeys End chapter 1 2 3 4 deleted

It’s time for a change and time to say goodbye

I have been thinking of this for a while, and I have finally made the decision that it is time for me to move on and it is time to say goodbye.

You may think this is a decision that I have made suddenly, but it isn’t.

I have been thinking of this for a long time, and tonight I have decided to do it finally.

So this post is my way of saying goodbye to all those who have supported me from the beginning up until now.

I couldn’t have gotten this far without your support.

So with that, I am announcing that it is goodbye to scottishlegendwordpress.com.

I am changing the URL to this blog, and hopefully, in a few days you can come and read about my exploits, rants and other things I post on her, and it will be under the URL Colinsworld.com.

 

Now some of you may now be shouting at me via your monitor/phone/tablet because of the tone of this post and for that, I shall apologise and here is the cutest videos you will see today as an apology

Did not see that coming [A ten word story]

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Lightning Flashes, Thunder Crashes, The branch falls knocking him out.

via Daily Prompt: Branch

 

[It’s been a while but I thought I’d bring back the ten word story, hope you like it]

I’m Not Running Anymore

One of my favourite poems has been posted here. Check it out

Poet's Corner

Submitted by  Colin

.

The wind howled through the trees,
making the branches creak and groan,
the moon is fighting to shine through the clouds,
but it’s a losing battle,
There is no light to shine my path,
Running from the past,
Moving towards the future,
But I can’t outrun my past,
It follows no matter where the path takes me.

View original post 407 more words

Today has been rough.

The last 24 hours have been somewhat challenging.

It started off yesterday with it trying to snow, there have been weather warnings for the past few days saying that there is a cold front coming in from Russia that is going to be causing problems in the near future.

So, this was it at about 2pm yesterday.

img-20180227-wa00004297009078701263163.jpegIt was cold and trickles of snow but nothing serious.

I picked up the little one from the childminders, and she was rather grumpy, due to being tired and when I got her home, she fell asleep in my arms within about 10 minutes. I took her upstairs put her to bed and came back down to make a cup of tea.

I had barely sat down with my cup when she was back up again crying.

This is pretty much how the rest of the night went.

On the weather front, the snow had arrived.

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In total, I had about three hours sleep all night as she kept crying and having to get up with her.

There we were at 4am sitting in the dim light in the living room trying to get to sleep.

img-20180228-wa00022445124344720828452.jpegEventually, we both dozed off and were woken up at 5.30am when the wife came down to get ready for work.

I had been sleeping in the worst position, and my neck was in agony.

So, off we went to bed, I just took the midget into bed with me and hugged her until we both went back to sleep.

This lasted all of 40 minutes. Then she was screaming, thrashing and kicking.

I was so tired that I didn’t really handle it well. The wife had text me to say that she was coming home because the snow had been so bad during the night all the buses had been cancelled so she couldn’t make it to work. Thus, the decision was made for her to work from home.

When she got back in, I had to go out. I needed a break, even if it was just for the time it took for me to drive to the local van and get a couple of rolls for breakfast.

Usually, this would have taken ten minutes but because of the snow it took more like 25, and I never got the car about 20mph.

That was the last time I went out today.

And here is the current forecast.

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The snow has been steadily getting worse all day.

My mum popped in an got us some stuff from the shop usually that’s a five-minute drive from there to here took her 40 minutes.

My sister was also in earlier, she lives up the road, usually a 10.min drive. She left here at 12.30 got home at ten to 2.

Oh and around about 7pm there was also THUNDER AND LIGHTING in the middle of a blizzard.

I have only ever seen that once before in my life. It was bizarre.

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The videos were taken about half an hour apart, and you can see the difference in that time.

And this one was taken ten minutes before I started writing this post. So it is only going to get worse.

Now to top it all off the little one is now choked with the cold, has got more teeth coming in, had been sick and is fighting sleep as if it was the enemy trying to kill her.

She is asleep at the moment but has been taken into bed with the wife, and I’m here writing this post.

This is going to be another long night.

Oh, something that amused me. The streetlight across the road from us has icicles growing from it that looks like Wolverines Claws, and they just keep growing.

End of my rope, I don’t know what to do anymore.

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I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

I have been out of work now for ten months and its starting to get to me.

Not so much the not working part but it’s the constant rejections that I keep getting. I can’t count the number of emails I have received over the last few months that contain the words “I am writing to let you know that unfortunately, you have not been successful this time.”

It’s funny how this same phrasing keeps coming through to me. I mean come on use a little imagination.

I’m starting to wonder what the hell it is about me that is so rejectable?

It just keeps on coming up repeatedly.

I have thoroughly revamped my CV, it was done by a recruitment specialist, so it’s not that.

The thing that’s bugging me is that it feels like they aren’t even looking at my cv anymore. It feels like they just see my name and hit the reject button.

Even the job that I applied for that I have more than enough experience for, and I thought that I could just walk straight into I got rejected from.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

It’s really starting to affect me.

I have thought about striking out on my own and setting up a business to work for myself, but I have no idea what I would do.

Maybe I could just win the lottery.

I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Blah.

Looking for Beta Readers

I am looking for Beta Readers to help me with my novel.

I have finished it and now i am looking for people to help me give it a polish and get some feedback on it.

Ideal I would be looking for people with experience in writing and editing, or anyonw open to a Sci-Fi novel, to read over my manuscript and check for any errors and plot holes.

If you are interested contact me and let me know if this is something you would like to do to and we can have a chat about it.

What I’d be looking to do is send between five and ten chapters for your reading and editorial skills, and ask that you send them back to me with notes and then I’d send the next batch.

So if you want to explore the world of my imagination and hopefully explore your own, get in touch.

Hope to hear from you soon

 

Day out to the Lego Store

Today was fun, as we had nothing today decided to jump in the car and go through to Glasgow for a day out.

There were two reasons that we decided to go to Glasgow.

Reason One: Hadn’t taken the little one through there yet

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Reason Two: I wanted to go to the Lego Store.

It was so cool, but I have come to the awful realisation that I shall never be allowed to go there on my own. I would buy too much stuff with money that I don’t have. Lego is so bloody expensive.

I took some pictures of the stuff I want to buy.

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This costs £650, dear god I can’t afford that unless I don’t want to pay rent or bills for a month and be homeless. I want it 
Worth it.

 

In the end, I just bought these awesome keyringsdsc_09992673858997794601848.jpg

 

I can’t figure out how to work “congregate” into this post, ah well I’ll just cheat.

Soaring through the Astral Plane [Poem]

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Floating through the astral plane,

Fleeting thoughts run through my mind,

The freeing feeling lets me forget my pain,

Letting me leave my past behind.

Soaring over the landscape below,

Rushing towards the horizon ahead,

I can see the face of the one I know,

Sitting bolt upright in bed,

I now know where I need to go.

Meh

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Meh.

That’s how I feel today, just meh.

I am having a low night, nothing seems to make me feel anything, I just feel numb.

I don’t know what’s caused it, earlier I was fine then all of a sudden it was like a someone flipped a switch and all feelings apart from either Meh or Angry hit me.

So yeah that’s been my night, I don’t know why but it is a feeling that I am very Conversant with, I just don’t know what has caused it.

On the bright side after my post last night my phone has been fixed, there was a loose connection and was fixed for free. So yay.

Mystery Blogger Award…

Back on the 12th of January, I was nominated for this award by the fantastically talented and wonderful person that is Cyranny. My teeny tiny Canadian friend.

It may have taken me a while to actually get round to this (22nd of February) whoops, sorry about that my friend so here is my eternal thanks for how highly you think of me, I don’t feel that I deserve this kindness, but I will still thank you for it.

 

Mystery Blogger Award:

“It’s an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”
Created by Okoto Enigma.

The rules are:

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  • List the rules.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
  • You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).
  • Share a link to your best post(s).

 

 

Here are my answers to Cyranny’s questions:

  1.  If you wrote the story of your life, what would the title be? I have two possible answers to this intriguing question. The first is “How did it end up like this?” and the second is “What the hell was that?”
  2. Would you rather be stuck alone on an island, or with someone who gets on your nerves, but provides company? I’d rather have the company of someone, even if they get on my nerves/
  3. If you could re-live one day of your life, what would you want to experience again? That’s an easy one, even if it is a cliché, the day my daughter was born.
  4. Would you rather spend a vacation in your own town, with a blank check to pay for your expenses, or travel abroad, but on a tight budget? Ooh, interesting, I’d go travel abroad on a tight budget, preferably on a cruise ship with an all-inclusive deal.
  5. What advice could you give me, from your blogging experience? I am the last person who should give advice, but ill go with this. Be yourself. People don’t respond well to fake people.

 

Three things about me…

When I was five years old, I almost died. I was struck down with a rare illness that basically meant that I had blood leaking into my stomach. I had a rash all over my body. At various times I was paralysed in different parts of my body, up to the point where all I could move was my big toe.

When I write I do it in a weird way, I sit at the laptop, phone, tablet, whatever I’m writing with and I just let my fingers do the writing. I don’t plan anything. There is nothing on my blog that I planned out beforehand (unless you count spellcheck). Everything is spontaneous and just written as I go. If you have read any of my stories, none of them were planned as you read them and discover what happened in them know it was the same for me. I discovered what happened as I wrote it.

I am afraid of heights and needles.

 

 

My nominees:

I don’t have ten to nominate but here are a few.

Kira Scribbles

The Lonely Author Blog

Pvcann

Ratty Catty

Rugby 843

 

My questions for the nominees:

  1. If you could give your younger self, life advice what would it be?
  2. Why did you start blogging?
  3. If you could re-live one day of your life, what would you want to experience again?
  4. What’s the most embarrassing thing you have done in your life?
  5. What is the secret to your blogging success?

The challenge requires to share the link to my best post, so here is the link to my favourite story that I have written, it is in two parts so here is both parts The Hotel and Reunited

Thank you again to Cyranny for the nomination and apologise for the time it has taken me to respond

Here is a picture of the midget IMG-20180222-WA0009

 

Stupid Technology

For a while now I have been having problems with my phone. For some reason it hasn’t been charging, the charging cable would not stay in the phone, it would keep falling out. If I didn’t balance it just right at night, I would wake up to a phone that hadn’t charged.

As you can imagine this was very frustrating.

It got to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore so two weeks ago, I took it to a local shop and got it repaired, it turned out that the charging port had become damaged, loose and water damaged. (the water damage occurred from the little one stealing my phone and chewing on it.)

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The shop I took it to, in an attempt to fix it, said they could sort it out within an hour and a half, and it would cost me £30. Happy days, I left the phone with them and returned after to a fully functional and charging phone YAY!

Just about two weeks of no problems at all then boom, two days ago it stopped charging unless the charger was being held in a specific position, while this was incontinent it was not a deal breaker. It was still charging and charging quickly, so it wasn’t that bad.

Fast forward to this evening, and now it has stopped charging altogether.

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So now I am phoneless, I have 11% left on my battery, and I have to take it back to the shop tomorrow to get it repaired.

Here is hoping they won’t charge me a second time for fixing the same fault.

What is Love?

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Love is caring,

Love is talking,

Love is loss,

Love is kind,

Love is unyielding,

Love is constant,

Love is a promise,

Love never leaves you,

Love touches your soul,

But most of all,

Love makes life worth living,

And Love is pain,

Love lets you know that you are alive.

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Sneaking Through The Darkness [Poem]

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The darkness spreads across the land,

Creeping and covering all that it encounters,

All that is keeping me safe is the match in my hand,

The traps ahead are going to be hard to counter.

Sneaking through the darkness,

Marking my movements against the memory of this place,

Making my way through the rubble and the mess,

I can see my prize as I close in on the enemy base.

The sound of blood starts rushing through my ears,

The mission with which I have I have been entrusted,

It’s almost over, I’m almost there, but wait what’s that I hear?

Ignoring all distractions, I see the crown which is jewel encrusted.

The light comes on exposing my presence,

“What do you think you are doing?”

I was reaching for my target and lost my balance,

“I’ll ask again, what are you doing?”

Hanging my head in shame,

My midnight raid has been a bust,

I know that I will have to take the blame.

She takes the crown as I look on with lust.

“I can’t believe you’d sneak in here so late.”

I watch the crown as she rips it in half,

“You didn’t need to sneak in to steal my Chocolate.”

She tosses me half, we both sit in the kitchen and laugh.

Update on life

A few weeks ago, I posted on here that not only have I been out of work since May, and my wife got made redundant at the beginning of January, the company she worked for went into administration. Leaving us up shit creek without a paddle.

I had to make a compromise with a promise I made myself a couple of years ago. That promise was “I will never go back to working in a call centre.”

But desperate times call for desperate measures. So, with a heavy heart, and a questionable worry about what it may do to my mental health, I applied for a job working for a company that I worked for previously, so I know that they are the least worst of all the available options.

Thankfully we were thrown a lifeline, and my wife was called by her former boss (where she worked before going on maternity leave), and he begged her to go back for a lot more money and responsibility than she had before.

Of course, she took it, so now the pressure was off, and I didn’t have to go back to working in a godforsaken call centre.

But by this point I had already submitted my application, I had gone through the application process, and they called me last week to go through a telephone interview.

Now like I said I worked for this company many years ago for this particular job, plus since then I have had over 15 years of experience working in the industry, so I figured that it would be easy enough to get the job.

On Saturday I went through with the phone interview. I gave it my best shot, thinking that even if I am offered the job, I don’t necessarily need to take it.

So, I must admit that I was a little shocked when I got an email telling me that I had been unsuccessful, and they wouldn’t be taking my application further.

How? What the hell else could they be looking for?

Now don’t get me wrong I am not overly bothered about not getting the job, as I didn’t really want it to begin with. But I am perplexed as to why they have decided not to take the application further.

Ah well, onwards and upwards I guess.

I am slowly conquering the world.

I was creeping about my stats just now and I got to thinking about something that my good friend Cyranny said before on her excellent blog The Cove. (if you haven’t dropped by the cove I recommend you do because you will always find a warm welcome and a good laugh along with some incredible stories/poems.)

Now what she had said before was with regards to Stats and how she doesn’t focus on numbers but instead is more concerned with collecting flags.

Now sad to say I do tend to get fixated on the numbers, I like seeing how many people visit my little corner of the internet. It always makes me feel humbled to see how many people read what I write.

So today I decided to focus on the world map that shows up on the stats, and I was delighted to discover that I have almost conquered the world.

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With that in mind, I felt like showing my map as it is at present

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This is my way of conquering the world.

But soon you will all bow before your future ruler.

 

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Just look at that face you can’t deny she will one day rule you all.

Making you think

My present thoughts are a mix of different things but there is one that is currently occupying my mind and I want to share it with all of you.

So here is my gift to you.

If ghosts are real, which I believe they are I have seen a few, why aren’t there any Dinosaur Ghosts?

Think about that for a few minutes. Or have I just blown your mind?

Courage to make changes.

In a follow up to my Post yesterday, people need to find the courage to make changes in the world.

Here is a quote from a great man and writer that sums it up

This also reminds me of another much older quote.

Something has to be done, change is needed

It’s time for something to be done. We can’t go on like this. [rant]

I would like to talk seriously with you all for a few minutes.

This post is something that I feel I have to speak out about even though I know that my writing this will probably make absolutely no difference to the world but with recent events, I think I have to say something.

You will all know by now about the horrific School shooting that happened in Florida two days ago.

I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like to live through, nor can I even start to comprehend what the families of those killed in the school are going through. To lose a child or anyone in your life, to such a senseless atrocity as this boggles the mind.

I have been doing a lot of reading about this tragedy both in the news and peoples reaction to it on twitter.

I can’t fathom the mindset of someone who would do this.

Now on Twitter, there has been an outpouring of support to those affected by this incident, but there are those out there who are going on about gun control and saying that the USA having gun control would not have prevented this from happening.

Well, I’m here to tell you, THAT IS BULLSHIT.

This nutter was able to walk into the high school that he was expelled from with an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, which was purchased legally, and murdered 17 people.

 

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Image From NBC News

 

Let that sink in for a moment, this “person” was 19 years old, he walked into a shop in America and legally purchased a Military Style automatic weapon and go shoot up a school.

There is no other country in the world where you could do this.

Guns kill, people use guns to kill others, this rifle type of rifle had been designed for one reason and one reason only, to take the lives of others.

Restricting the availability of firearms in the US could have easily prevented this horrific incident.

At the time of writing this post, we are 46 days into 2018, and there have already been 19 mass-shootings in the US already.

In 1996 here in Scotland we had the worst mass-shooting in British history. This happened in Dunblane in a primary school where a man walked into the school with two 9mm Browning HP pistols and Two Smith & Wesson M19 .357 Magnum revolvers. He killed 16 children aged between 5 and 6 and their teacher before killing himself.

This happened 16 miles away from where I live and grew up. I vividly remember this happening, and it is one of those things that even though I wasn’t personally involved, I will never forget.

After this happened there was an enquiry and a public petition to restrict the sale and possession of handguns within the UK, this lead to the Cullen Report which then resulted in the Firearms (Amendment) Act 1997. (below is an extract from Wikipedia describing the result of this.

The Cullen Reports, the result of the inquiry into the massacre, recommended that the government introduce tighter controls on handgun ownership[14] and consider whether an outright ban on private ownership would be in the public interest in the alternative (though club ownership would be maintained).[15] The report also recommended changes in school security[16] and vetting of people working with children under 18.[17] The Home Affairs Select Committee agreed with the need for restrictions on gun ownership but stated that a handgun ban was not appropriate.

 

A small group, known as the Gun Control Network, was founded in the aftermath of the shootings and was supported by some parents of the victims of the Dunblane and Hungerford shootings.[18] Bereaved families and their friends also initiated a campaign to ban private gun ownership, named the Snowdrop Petition, which gained 705,000 signatures in support and was supported by some newspapers, including the Sunday Mail, a Scottish tabloid newspaper whose petition to ban handguns raised over 500,000 signatures.[19]

 

In response to this public debate, the Conservative government of John Major introduced the Firearms (Amendment) Act 1997, which banned all cartridge ammunition handguns with the exception of .22 calibre single-shot weapons in England, Scotland and Wales, but following the 1997 General Election, the Labour government of Tony Blair introduced the Firearms (Amendment) (No. 2) Act 1997, banning the remaining .22 cartridge handguns as well.[20] This left only muzzle-loading and historic handguns legal, as well as certain sporting handguns (e.g. “Long-Arms”) that fall outside the Home Office definition of a “handgun” because of their dimensions.

Since this was law was introduced there have been zero mass-shootings like that again within the UK.

The same happened in Australia, again in 1996, when a man shot up a café, and they then restricted and banned the ownership of guns, and again there have been zero mass-shootings since then.

So, when Trump comes on and refuses to even talk about gun control it angers me, and I’m not even American. He is happy to come on and blame “Mental problems” for the shooting, not the fact that the perpetrator was legally allowed to buy this weapon, and he was able to purchase this weapon because Trump repealed the law enacted by President Obama banning people with mental health issues from buying firearms.

When I was doing a little research about all of this, I came across an article on the Forbes website showing that Donald Trump was supported by the NRA (National Rifle Association) to the tune of $31 million. (below is a snippet of that article)

In the 2016 election, the NRA spent $11,438,118 to support Donald Trump—and another $19,756,346 to oppose Hillary Clinton. That’s over $31 million spent on one presidential race.

So, do you think he is ever going to do anything about gun control? Because I don’t.

When I was scrolling through Twitter, I kept coming across the same argument, and I’ll paraphrase here, “Gun ownership is a right in the US Constitution.”

This is under the Second Amendment to the US Bill of Rights, and the full text of it is:-

A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

This was enacted in 1791 when there was no conception of automatic and semi-automatic rifles. The worst the had been muskets which, while being wildly inaccurate in aiming, but they took ages to reload. You couldn’t shoot hundreds of bullets in a minute.

There is also the first line to consider. “Well Regulated” what part of a 19-year-old, mentally unstable, being able to walk into a store and legally purchase a Semi-Automatic AR-15 Rifle, sounds “Well Regulated”? Because to me, that is the furthest thing from being “Well Regulated”.

There are video interviews all over the internet and twitter from Children begging for Congress to do something about the proliferation guns in America.

When your government is more concerned with the protection of Weapons designed to kill people over the Lives of your Children, then there is something really wrong.

There may be some of you out there on the blogosphere in the US who are probably shouting at your screen right now at me and are already priming an angry reply to me in the comments, and frankly, I don’t care.

You can rant and rave at me all you want, you can tell me I’m wrong.

But think about this. I took this from the BBC website.

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291 reported School Shootings since 2013. TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY-ONE.

Let that sink in and then tell me if you think that, that is worth the right for anyone to own a gun.

Because I sure as hell don’t.

There is one last argument that I keep coming across that I want to address.

“If you ban guns they will just find another way to kill people.”

Fucking let them try, let these murdering bastards try to kill dozens of people with a butter knife. Let these murderers find a more creative way of killing because I am sick of them having such an easy time of it.

Any rube should be able to figure that out. DON’T MAKE IT SO EASY FOR THEM.

Ok so I know this isn’t my usual type of post, but I couldn’t keep quiet on this topic anymore, and if this means I lose followers, I don’t care.

Thanks for reading this

Colin

Lost With Desire – Book still for sale.

Since today is valentines day, I thought I’d post this again.

Available for purchase in all territories on amazon kindle.

If you like some erotic fiction that not only has some hot sex but also stories of true love, then read on.

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I am so happy that it is now available for purchase to anyone who wants it.

So please can I ask anyone reading this to reblog and spread the word so that I can get people to buy it (and if you want to buy it as well feel free)

It is a collection of ten of my favourite stories that I have written.

You may notice that it is under a different name. I decided to publish these stories under the name C.A. Storm to reach a wider audience.

(CA are my actual initials for my first and middle name)

I hope that if anyone who decides to do me the honour of purchasing my book enjoys it.

I will include the links below for the territories that is available in

Thanks

Colin

UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B077DPT5NS

USA https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077DPT5NS

Canada: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B077DPT5NS

Austraila: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B077DPT5NS

Mexico: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B077DPT5NS

Germany: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B077DPT5NS

France: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B077DPT5NS

Spain: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B077DPT5NS

Italy: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B077DPT5NS

Netherlands: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B077DPT5NS

Japan: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B077DPT5NS

Brazil: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B077DPT5NS

India: https://www.amazon.in/dp/B077DPT5NS

Years from now….

[I wrote this story back in November and I read it again last night at The Writing Group that I joined last year and I thought that I would tweak it and repost it for valentines day. Enjoy.]

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One day, far in the future, living life the only way we will know how. Alone.

Both of us will be making our way through the world waiting to see what life will throw at us next.

You, in your world.

Me, in mine.

I make my way across the courtyard of the shopping centre, heading towards the coffee shop on the corner, just wanting to get out of the cold, maybe I’ll even have the time to finally write again.

You will be doing something similar, making your way towards a place that you find comfortable, to relax, have some time to yourself.

Both of us sitting there thinking about the past, thinking about what we once shared.

It has been years since we last spoke, the memories will make us both smile.

Remembering the connection.

Remembering the good times.

Remembering the love.

Sitting there basking in the memories feeling melancholy.

I finish my drink, head out into the cold, with a sad smile on my face.

You will be finishing up as well, feeling much the same way.

The years haven’t been easy for either of us, life is hard, but you are a strong and willful woman,

And me? Well, I’m a fighter. I scraped my way through life taking blow after blow. I have been knocked down more times than I can count, but I always got back up.

I had to get up, what other choice was there?

So off I walk, back out into the cold and the wet.

Resigned to finally leaving those memories behind me.

You will walk off as well, with a smile in your heart and a name on your lips.

The walk does me good, it helps me clear the cobwebs, I have changed so much since you knew me.

You will walk along the street, and you will see something in the distance.

I stop on the corner, debating if I should light my last cigarette or not.

I quit years ago, but I still carry that last one with me.

I finally cave, pull out my lighter, just as I am about to light it a voice comes to me “Those things will kill you, you know.”

Lowering the lighter, I close the cap, that’s when I realise.

The voice wasn’t in my head.

A suspiciously familiar feeling creeps up spine and around to my heart.

I turn to see you standing next to me, standing in the pouring rain.

And a smile will cross my lips, “Hello Cassie.”

The Space Between Us.

Lost

The images your memory conjures no longer causes pain,

The memory of you lingers in my heart,

I will always hold you close,

I will never truly let you go,

But you no longer haunt my soul,

You live within me,

Giving me strength,

Giving me power,

Together in memory,

There is nothing we can’t conquer,

Except for the space between us.

Google Images Shock.

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Earlier on the wife was on the phone with her cousin, who is getting married next year, and they were asking about when we got married how much the venue was.

Off the top of my head, I couldn’t remember the exact price, so I pulled up the website to check out what the prices were now but they no longer have the price list available on their website.

So I figured I would check google images to see if they had an old one on there, sometimes they do that.

Boy was I in for a shock.

On google images I typed in the name of the hotel and “Wedding Prices”, and to my horror, the fourth picture along was FROM MY WEDDING.

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WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

Not only that but there are other pictures from the wedding dotted about under the google images. I clicked on them and discovered that they were from the photographer’s website.

It’s safe to say that this was a bit of a shock for me on a Monday night.

 

“Reviews” [Rant]

Hey folks, its rant time again.

Today while I was roaming around on here, and I came across a post describing a “review” of a book that I have read in the last two years and loved Ready Player One.

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If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it.

It is full of geeky references and filled with nostalgia from the 80’s.

So if you are a super geek like myself, then I’d highly recommend it. The film adaptation is going to be out later this looks good, and I’m looking forward to seeing it.

The reason I am making this post is that I take issue with this persons “review”.

I am not going to name names because that would be crass, and I wouldn’t want to single someone out for a flawed “review” that is not a review in my opinion.

 

What I have written at the beginning of this post is more of a review than what this person wrote.

A good review should give you an indication of what the person felt when reading the book, a good review should provide you with someone’s perspective on the material that they felt when they were reading it.

A good review should conjure images of what the film/book/game is like, gives you the feelings behind the words written by the reviewer.

Now back to my original point the review that I read earlier on today cannot be called a review in any shape or form what it was, was a synopsis of the book.

It is the kind of thing you would expect to read on the back of the book or on a dust cover or in the Amazon description of it.

What it was not is a review.

I am not a reviewer, I don’t post reviews of things, but to me, this is blatant laziness.

I don’t know if it was the fact that this was for a book that I loved or because it was just such a lazy thing to write, almost as if it was copy and pasted from the author’s website and called a “review” that annoyed me more.

But to call this a review is an insult to all the hard-working reviewers who are out there.

 

Ok, rant over.