Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday, and I don’t feel like a proper grown up.
I don’t know if anyone ever does but for years I’ve been waiting for that moment to hit when suddenly I feel different, but its never came.
I’ve been through a lot in the last 12 months. At the beginning of 2015, I was in a job that I hated I was depressed, had no outlet for anything, and I was thinking about killing myself. One morning I was in so much pain that I almost jumped in front of a train.
I just couldn’t go on for much longer the only thing that stopped me was the thought that I couldn’t put my family through the pain of me going out like that.
Not long after that, I got fired from my job, I was aimless and falling deeper into depression. Then I met someone who quite literally saved my life; she became one of my best friends in this world and honestly I would do anything for her.
she helped me through a rough time by letting me help her through a rough time as well, I’ve always put others needs before my own, and that’s my way of dealing because I can’t listen to my own advice but I can when I see it working for someone else
I was encouraged to start writing, and that’s one of the reasons I set up this blog. Becuase of her help I got the professional help I needed, and now I’m back to my old self, I’ll never be a hundred percent, but then who is? Like I said, she’s the reason I started writing, and it’s given me a new lease on life. I’ve written a book and am going to try and get it published. So I have that to continue working on, and I can honestly say that writing the stories I post on this blog has not only helped me unwind and let me get things out. (for example “The Hotel” was based on one of my biggest fears before I got married.) but it’s also let me meet people, and I’ve made some great friends who mean the world to me.
In the last few years, life has been hard and as I said I still don’t feel like a proper grown up after everything I’ve been through you would think I would. But I still feel like the scared 17-year-old kid that left school to go off to college.
I got married last year, and I through that was the most terrifying thing I could do. That was before the fateful night in April when my wife told me she was pregnant. We had the first scan on Friday just passed, and I saw my child for the first time. I’ve never imagined myself as a father, in fact, I’ve always hated kids, but seeing that little thing on the monitor floored me. I went into a sort of shock and kind of completely shut down emotionally and did what I always do in these situations, I made a joke, and it wasn’t even a good one.
Its things like that that make me worried for the future and questions keep coming into my head that scares me. e.g. “How am going to take care of this baby?” “What if it hates me” “What if I break it?”
Even with all of this going on in my head I still don’t feel like an adult, and I don’t know if that will ever chance.
I am hoping that when the baby is born I get that feeling so that ill feel like a very scared adult other than a scared overgrown kid.